


you’ve already won me over

by octothorpetopus



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Infertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octothorpetopus/pseuds/octothorpetopus
Summary: CJ let her life slip away from her, somehow. Love, a family, everything seems to have escaped her. Not anymore.
Relationships: Danny Concannon/C. J. Cregg
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	you’ve already won me over

CJ had been sitting on the sofa in her office since 7 o’clock, unfolding and refolding the paper in her hands until it was worn through and the ink began to bleed. It was still legible, though, painfully and unforgettably legible. Charlie had knocked on the door a while ago, she thought she remembered, to ask if she wanted someone to walk her to her car. No, she said she wanted to stay for a few more hours. She couldn’t quite go home yet, walk through the door into her dead-silent apartment for another night of drinking wine on the sofa until she fell asleep. Alone. Her apartment was always too hot, because the AC was busted, and her office was always too cold for some reason she didn’t know. Focusing on the goosebumps running up and down her bare arms helped distract her a little bit, but not enough. She was hyperaware that her pants were wrinkled and her hair was a mess, and that her face was a red, puffy mess.

“Pull it together,” CJ muttered to herself, and then let out a bitter, painfully small laugh. She was dehydrated and her head hurt and if she thought she had it in her to get up off this couch, she’d head home and pass out and not come back until she absolutely, definitely had to. Or maybe never. 

“CJ?” Someone was outside her door, looking for her. She couldn’t imagine who, not at this hour. Everyone else had left hours ago.

“Come in,” she called, trying her best to steady her shaky voice. At first, in the dark room, she couldn’t quite tell who it was. Then he stepped into the light from her desk lamp. “Oh. Hi, Danny.” Danny had that easy smile on his face, but it dropped away when he saw her.

“I can- I can come back, if-”

“No, no.” Sniffling, CJ wiped her eyes brusquely and managed a smile. “What’s up?” He ignored the question, his eyes tight and worried.

“Are you okay?” A sudden laugh bubbled out of her mouth, which quickly turned into more tears- well, not really, there were no more tears to be had. Her shoulders shook with quiet, dry sobs, and she clapped a hand over her mouth in a futile attempt to stop. Danny froze, unsure what to do, but sat down next to her, staring at his folded hands. When she finally stilled, she wiped her eyes, still sniffling.

“No,” she replied, the word seeming too quaint. It wasn’t just that she wasn’t okay, it was the complete absence of okay-ness. She was actively the opposite of okay. Okay wasn’t anywhere in the vicinity.

“Is there- do you want me to go?”

“No.” She didn’t even think before she said it. For some reason, Danny was the only person she wanted to see right now. 

“Okay.” He settled further into the sofa, loosening his tie. “Do you want… do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” CJ shook her head, frantically trying to dry her face. Danny pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to her.

“Thank you.” She took it, grateful, and wiped her eyes. “Look, Danny, I can’t put this on you. Just… go home, I’m fine.”

“CJ.” She felt a warm hand on hers and lowered the hanky just enough to see his eyes, which were a warm, albeit concerned, blue. She had never really noticed his eyes before. They were nice. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. But I need you to know you can put whatever you want on me. I’ll always listen. I can take it.” And looking at him, at how earnest he was, CJ realized he was probably the one person she could tell, and by far the only person she wanted to. She passed him the letter with shaking hands and turned so her back rested against his shoulder, still holding his hand. For a moment, the only sound was his breathing, her heartbeat, and the soft rustle of paper in his hand. She heard his breath hitch in his throat when he got to  _ that _ part. His hand tightened around hers almost involuntarily. 

“...oh.” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

“Yeah. ‘Oh’ is right.” 

“So… you can’t have kids?” She shook her head, still not turning to look at him. She didn’t think she could bear it. “I guess this is a stupid question, but are you okay? I mean, did you want kids?”

“That’s the funny thing. I… don’t know. I never really decided if I wanted kids or not, you know? I thought I had all this time, so I put it off, and then I joined the campaign and I realized I wasn’t going to have time to have kids and now… I guess it didn’t really matter at all. So it’s not like my dreams have been crushed, but now I know it’s never going to happen. And it’s just… at least the not knowing was something. Maybe I was going to run out of time, maybe I wasn’t, and I’d figure it out when I got there. But I didn’t even get to run out of time, Danny, I’m still in my prime and any chance I had, anything that was up in the air just came crashing down.”

“Hey.” A gentle finger turned her chin so she was looking at Danny, at those big, round, blue eyes so full of worry. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t. So all I’m going to say is… I’m here for you, whatever you need. I know that sounds cliche. I know it seems like that’s just what you say when something like this happens. But I mean it. Whatever you need. If you need someone to cry on, someone to scream at, to vent to, to bring you goldfish- the crackers or the actual fish- I want you to know… that’s me. If you want me to.” CJ bit back another round of tears. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had made her a grand speech like that. For the first time since getting the news a few hours earlier, she smiled, really smiled.

“Thank you, Danny. Right now…” she stood up, stretching. “I think I just want to go home.” He studied her momentarily, searching for some kind of clue, some kind of answer as to whether she would be okay on her own. CJ silently prayed he’d offer to take her home himself, because the truth was if she got behind the wheel of her car, she didn’t know what would happen between here and her apartment. Her mind was elsewhere, halfway across the globe. But he didn’t, he just slapped his knees and stood up.

“Okay, CJ. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She followed him to the hall and watched him go, letting him get halfway to the press room before she called out, the words escaping her without intention.

“Danny! Wait up!” She jogged to catch up with him, slightly wobbling in her heels. “I, um…” she chuckled, shaking her head. “I’m not sure I can get home on my own, would you-“

“I’ll take you home, CJ,” he said, interrupting like he’d been waiting for her to ask just like she’d been waiting for him to offer. Gratefully, she handed him her keys, and he let her lean against him as they walked out, his hand warm on her arm. In the lobby, she stopped, and wrapped her arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly against her, so tight she could feel his heart racing through five layers of clothing. He hugged her back just as tightly, and buried his face in her shoulder. Their breathing echoed slightly in the empty marble lobby, and there was a security guard watching them, CJ was fairly certain, but at the moment, she couldn’t quite find it in herself to care. 

She sniffed and let him go, and began digging through her purse for her keys, which she tossed to Danny. “Wait a minute, you want me to drive?”

“I thought that was the point!” She giggled, feeling slightly lightheaded.

“Fine, but you don’t get to complain if you don’t like the way I drive,” Danny said as he got in the car, a ‘97 Mercedes convertible.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You drive like a grandma.” CJ tossed her head, letting the wind off the open air blow her hair out of her face.

“I said you weren’t allowed to complain about my driving!” Danny groaned, although he was still smiling.

“Well, I didn’t think you’d be perpetually five miles under the speed limit.”

“Too bad.” CJ rolled her eyes and flipped on the radio. “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor. Danny began to sing along, his voice nearly buried under the sound of DC at night, but just loud enough CJ could hear it. He had a rather pleasant voice, low and gravelly, just off-key enough to be charming. She started to sing along with him, watching him as he drove. He looked softer than she’d ever seen him, without any of the bravado he usually put on. All of that was a facade, she realized. It was all for show. This was the real Danny, the one who couldn’t really sing but tried to and offered to drive her home and would have done anything at all just to take away whatever pain she was feeling. That was the Danny she missed.

“What are you looking at?” He asked, snapping her from her thoughts. 

“Nothing,” she replied, smiling in the way that earlier today she thought she’d never smile again.

“Your building’s up here?” She nodded, and he pulled into an empty spot in front of the building. A light rain, really more like mist, had begun to fall over them as Danny put the roof of the car up. 

“You wanna come up for a drink? I think there’s half a six-pack in the fridge.” She climbed the front steps as she asked. Danny arched an eyebrow.

“If I didn’t know any better, CJ, I’d say you were trying to get me drunk.”

“Ha-ha. Do you want a beer or not?” He hesitated on the sidewalk for just a second before jogging up to meet her. The keys jangled in her hand. It had been hours and yet her hands still shook. Gently, Danny placed one of his hands over her own to steady it and helped her turn the key in the lock. She led him up the stairs of the four-story walkup to the top floor, letting him unlock her apartment door while she tried to calm her racing heart and unsteady hands. Her mind wandered again, to all the unknowns and things that had to be abandoned, at least until Danny opened the door.

“Oh, wait, shit-“ the door swung open and a blur of orange shot past Danny into the hall. CJ lunged for it, scooping up the little furball in her arms before he could escape. “Danny, meet Don.” Don was CJ’s 2-year-old cat, a fluffy, slightly chubby ball of fur and rage, who hated nearly everyone except for Donna, who fed him when CJ was out of town, and CJ herself. Danny stuck his hand out cautiously, and CJ fully expected to witness a brutal assault on his fingers, but to her surprise, Don stuck his tongue out and licked Danny’s hand instead.

“I, uh… I don’t know what that means.”

“I think it means he likes you.” CJ crossed the threshold of the apartment and waited for Danny to come in before setting Don down and slamming the door so he couldn’t escape again. Still pushing her windblown hair out of her face, she left Danny standing in the living room and went to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was half a pack of beer still in the fridge from the 4th of July, when CJ and Josh had drunk the other half while watching the fireworks from her fire escape. When she returned, Danny was standing in exactly the place she had left him, only now he was holding Don in his arms. CJ bit her lip, suppressing a smile. “Should I give you two a minute alone?” He exchanged the cat for the beer and followed her to the overstuffed sofa that dominated the living room. She liked her apartment, overcrowded and filled with the bright colors she never seemed to see during her day at work. It was her apartment, her name written on every surface with invisible ink, tasteful if a little loud. It wasn’t an apartment for a child, and it never would have to be. That was equally comforting and unsettling. “Did you ever want kids?” She asked, not really sure if the words had actually left her mouth or not. Danny considered this briefly while he took a sip of his beer.

“No. At least, I don’t think so. Kids aren’t conducive to this job, you know? Well, I guess you do. But I don’t think I’d ever be willing to give up even the late nights on Air Force One to take care of a kid.”

“But what if you weren’t a reporter? What if you were just… a guy? Then what?”

“I don’t think that version of me exists. I don’t think I could ever be Danny the not-reporter. This job and I… we’re not mutually exclusive. That’s why I couldn’t take that editor job,” he added softly, not looking at her anymore. “Not even for you. You’re the most amazing woman- no, person, I’ve ever met. But I can’t be anything other than who I am, CJ. Do you get that?”

“I think I do.” CJ let her head fall onto his shoulder. “I guess we’re a little bit of a match made in heaven, then.”

“I guess so.” He clinked his bottle against hers and rested his cheek against the top of her head. 

“Midge.”

“What?”

“I only went to the doctor because I thought I was pregnant. Turns out, that’s not even possible, but if I had been pregnant, if I had had a baby, I would have named her Midge. After my dad, Talmidge.”

“That’s really sweet, CJ.” He paused. “What would have happened if you had had a boy?”

“I don’t know. I never really saw myself with a son.”

“You would have been a good mom, CJ.”

“Thanks. You’d have been a pretty good dad.” CJ was quiet for a moment. “You know, I really wanted it to work out for us.”

“I know.”

“If I could, I-“

“CJ. It’s okay. The world doesn’t end just because it’s the wrong time. Life is all about timing. Ours was just a little off.” With Danny’s hand gently stroking her hair, CJ almost started to cry again. Not because of the kids thing, although that certainly didn’t help the situation. No, this time it was because she wished more than anything the timing didn’t have to be off. She wished that everything would click into place and even though her world wasn’t perfect, she could have the one thing that was at this moment just barely out of reach, and she wished she could be the one to make it so. Then the moment passed, and she was still sitting on the sofa drinking beer with her head on the shoulder of someone who she loved more than he would ever know, listening to his heart race in his chest and pretending neither of them felt that way. “I should go,” he said, not making any move to get up. “It’s late.”

“I know.” She lifted her head, which seemed to way twenty pounds, off his shoulder and looked out the window where rain was now pouring down onto the street, sparkling in the faint light of the National Mall. “How are you getting home?”

“I’ll take the subway.”

“It’s too late, they’re shut down for the night.”

“Then I’ll walk.”

“Danny-”

“It’s fine, I like the rain-”

“Danny, it’s freezing out there, you’ll catch a cold. Besides, it’s a forty-minute walk to Adams Morgan, and it’s the middle of the night. Come on, I’ll make up the couch for you.” Danny debated silently for a moment, then stepped away from the door.

“Fine. I owe you one, CJ.”

“You owe me several, actually, but I’ll take the one.” CJ pulled a blanket and pillow out of the hall closet, and a UC Berkeley sweatshirt and black sweatpants than an old boyfriend had left at her apartment years ago. She tossed the sweats to Danny and pointed him to the bathroom to change into the makeshift pajamas while she laid out the blanket and pillow on the couch. He somehow looked just as nice in a slightly-too-large hoodie as he did in a tie and suspenders. That let CJ forget for a moment how much her life had changed today, even though it really hadn’t changed that much at all. 

“One more beer before bed?” CJ shook her head and ruffled Danny’s already messy hair. 

“If we have another drink, we might still be buzzed at the briefing tomorrow.”

“And?”

“Good night, Danny.” Without thinking, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, the scratchy stubble against her lips sending a rush of warmth all the way to her fingertips.

“Hey, CJ?” Danny called just before she could flip the light switch. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at her with a kindness that couldn’t have been anything but genuine. That single look was everything he had been trying to tell her since the very beginning, everything she had shut down or simply hadn’t wanted to hear. She was listening now, though.

“I know.” She gave him one last glance as she turned off the light. For just a moment, she thought maybe she had heard him whisper three little words, but then- it was too late for thinking about that, and there was a briefing in the moment, and CJ had a beer and a whole life’s worth of bullshit to sleep off.

CJ’s apartment wasn’t too hot. That was the first thing she registered upon waking. The second was the smell of coffee. The floorboards creaked, and for a moment, she shot up in bed and her heart stopped because although Don was not a small cat, he wasn’t that big. Then she remembered her guest, and she fell back against the pillows, running her hands over her face, still exhilarated and exhausted, the numbness in her stomach lessening slightly but far from gone. Coffee. Danny. Her still-beeping alarm. Those were the things that were actually here. Those were the things she had some level of control over. As silently as she could, she padded down the hallway, dimly lit in the early summer morning. She paused at the entrance to the kitchen, leaning against the doorway. Danny’s back was to her, and he had changed out of the sweats she had gave him. He was fiddling with the toaster and humming to himself, bathed in the glow from the window. CJ watched him for a few minutes, watched the way he tapped his fingers against the countertop, as careless and relaxed as she had ever seen him. 

“Good morning-“ he jumped and turned a vivid shade of red.

“Jesus, CJ.” Something popped out of the toaster behind him and he jumped again. This time, CJ laughed, the sound bouncing around the empty apartment that was now not so empty. Danny handed her a plate of slightly burnt toast and a Starbucks cup.

“Aw, honey, you cooked.” He rolled his eyes.

“Ha-ha.”

“Thank. Really. I don’t usually have time to eat breakfast.”

“I know.” She smiled gratefully and sat down at the little breakfast nook that she never used. He joined her after a moment and they sat in silence, savoring the coffee and clear skies. “How are you today?” He asked, and CJ really didn’t know.

“Better. I think. But I don’t know.” He nodded soberly and shrugged.

“I’m still here, CJ. I’m always here. That’s all I can offer.”

“That’s all I really need.” CJ hesitated, then threw her toast back down on the plate. “You know what? I’m so damn sick of worrying about timing.”

“What?”

“You said last night that our timing was off. I know it’s not the end of the world, but the timing always seems to be off. For once, I don’t want to worry that things will just happen if they can. The timing was off for us, and now we’re…” CJ gestured vaguely at the air between them. “The timing was off for having kids and now that’s all gone. I’m not letting that happen again, not now when we’re both here and all that’s standing in our way is some… some fucking timing!” In one decisive, swift motion, she took hold of his suspenders and kissed him, the taste of coffee still heavy on his lips. His knee slammed against the table, a literal knee-jerk reaction, but he gave no pause before taking CJ’s face in his hands.

“I thought you said-” He murmured into her.

“I know what I said.” CJ broke the kiss just long enough to stare him in the eyes. “But that was a different time. If you’re done, if we’re really over, if there’s no chance for this, tell me now, and it’s done.”

“Never,” he said, and kissed her again, gentler this time, because now, there was no rush, there was no sense of urgency. This time, they could take their time. 

“I need to get dressed.”

“Then go.”

“We have a briefing in an hour.”

“Okay. Then go get dressed.” She released him at last with one final kiss on the cheek, and returned a few minutes later, dressed for work. “Your hair,” he said. “It’s curlier than I thought.” She patted her head, and realized she’d forgotten to straighten it.

“Damn it. One minute-” he grabbed her hand as she turned to go.

“No, don’t. It looks nice.” Biting back a smile, CJ nodded.

“We should go. We’re already running late.”

“You don’t mind the two of us showing up together? With me in the same clothes I was wearing yesterday? You don’t think people will talk?”

“To be quite honest with you, I don’t care.” She grabbed her keys off the bowl on the counter and scratched the top of Don’s head one last time. “I’m driving, though.”

“Oh, come on, I wasn’t-”

“You drive like a grandma, Danny, but it’s fine. It’s actually kind of cute, to know there’s something you’re bad at.”

“I’m not bad-”

“Oh my god, can we go?”

“One more for the road?” Rolling her eyes, CJ kissed him again, and pulled him out the door by his sleeve, slamming the door behind them.

“I saw you come in this morning.” Josh and Charlie were sitting in her office, on the couch where CJ and Danny had sat only hours before.

“Oh?” She asked, avoiding eye contact.

“With Danny.”

“Oh.”

“In the same clothes he was wearing yesterday.” Okay, so maybe she cared a little bit.

“Just… don’t tell Leo, okay?” Josh and Charlie shared a glance and nodded.

“We got you, CJ.”

“And hey, good for you.” Josh squeezed her shoulder. “I was wondering when you crazy kids were finally gonna get together.”

“Shut up.” Still, CJ flushed and smiled gratefully. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to grab my notes and get to my briefing.”

“Say hi to Danny for us!” Charlie called as she left again, and she heard them snicker softly.

“So, Danny?” Carol asked, joining her midstep on the way to the briefing room.

“Is there anyone who doesn’t know?”

“The president, probably. Although there’s a good chance Charlie told him already.”

“Great.” She paused outside the briefing room. “Do I look okay?”

“Your hair looks nice today. You should leave it like that more often.”

“Thanks, Carol.” She entered the briefing room to the familiar tune of shouts and camera flashes. Today, however, everything else seemed to fade into the background, because there was Danny, in the third row. “Alright, kids, quiet down!” She scanned the room, as she always did, only catching Danny’s eyes for a split-second longer than usual, but that was long enough for him to give her a tiny, almost imperceptible, Mona Lisa smile. She’d have sacrificed all the timing in the world to have seen that smile earlier, and seeing it now was everything she needed. “Who’s got a question for me?” Danny’s hand shot up, professional as ever. Maybe not everything was different now. CJ called on him, smiling to herself. Her life was far from perfect, but it was the way it needed to be, and she had made it so. 


End file.
